- Whoever decided to put nutritional information on the wall of Cinnabon should be arrested for the murder of my happiness
- One advantage to dating a vegan is that buying them flowers doubles as a sweet gesture and provides them with a snack for later
- Seeing Miley Cyrus on my TV reminds me to wear condoms
- Dad just called and woke me up to say, "If a hippie hugs one tree, then hugs another, did he have a treesome?"
- Greatest Generation: I survived the Depression and WWII Our Generation: I survived reading the comments section of my YouTube video